One day in my life...

by a confused 16 year old girl, circa 2003

The day was warm and tranquil; the place was quite homey, hospitable enough to soothe the dolefulness that was tightly embedding my soul. I looked around and let my eyes bathed the whole surrounding with such dazzled glances. I was sitting in a dark-brown painted bench. It was nearly 4:00 in the afternoon and the sun was now preparing to settle behind the mocking heights of the mountain. I closed my eyes and gently smiled.

I heard the nature clearly, yes; she was trying to calm me down. From nearby trees birds were nesting heartily as they chirped a beautifully remarkable sound. The zephyr wind kissed my cheeks with comforting tenderness. I opened my eyes with sudden quickness as I heard the bushes behind me moved. I gasped horridly when a white cat came jumping out while trying to catch the troubled grasshopper that he was pursuing.

It was a great idea to spend time here at churchyard’s most peaceful place. Very thankful I was that this place was already emptied. I really need enough space to thinks things out. I knew well how busy the life was going but sometimes I couldn’t help but mused on how days were vanishing so swiftly. It seemed like yesteryear when I first moved into high school but now our batch was already about to face the impending moment of graduation. I stood and released a heavy sigh, squared my shoulder and strode forward to the picturesque fountain that stood alluringly in front of me. At the centre of its circularity was a statue of golden angel carrying a beautifully carved jar where the water was flowing out. I faced the pool of clear crystal and saw my reflection staring back at me...then after a while a single leaf was dropped in the water, which suddenly blurred away my image...I always looked at life in its most complicated manner. 

Life’s at all times has always been generous to us but expect at the start that in each kindness certain things would be asked from you in return. There were some instances in my life where I was caught between two hard decisions – whether to do what I think would be right or to choose what I knew my heart has wanted from the start. The moment was badly depressing that I just want to sink from where I stood or just vanish from the midst of this very unpredictable world. It got me totally lost and confused that I had just said to myself aloud, “Is it really necessary to choose?” ... Yes, I knew, what a very absurd question it was. It seemed like I felt not likely to step out of the middle string just because I didn’t know exactly where side to go. I chose then to be a risk-taker and whenever I was creating a move it was always the beat of my heart that I followed. There was just a single thought that I was bringing with me always – that everything that occurred in our lives were all designed in an appropriate pattern and it just a matter of choice on how we would desire to deal with the tricky scheme, just only be prepared with the consequences because most often than not, surrendering to emotions would not serve you right enough.  

The wind gave a thud of whoosh that jerked my body backward. Having a terrible fight with my mom last night made it not easy for me to ask permission  so I just left the house without leaving any words. I remembered bitterly how my mother had slapped me for the attempt I made to defend my side. I broke the rule for a very special reason and not because I wanted to rebel against them like what they were accusing of me. I never meant to hurt them, it just happened that I did the thing which they were yet forbidding me to do. Tears started to fall down from my eyes for I was overshadowed again with tormented feelings. It was hard to defy the parents who wished for nothing but only the best for you and yet it was painful to give up the person who has touched your heart and soul...

“You are not yet free,” whispered a voice inside my head. My brain was already perplexed and tired. I tried hard to withdraw myself from the deep, stirring emotion but the intensity was too fierce to battle against. I tightly squeezed my eyes and sympathetically embraced myself as the west wind blew in a resisting pressure. I was scared  that I ran as swiftly as I could until I reached the threshold of the church. The silence inside was deafening and the force of its immensity was exerting something on me that I couldn’t comprehend. I dipped my finger to the icy holy water and started to walk down the long aisle. Every step I took was creating an echoing sound that vibrated to marble floor. I was just wondering why there was no one inside the church...no single person could be seen. As I walked placidly it seemed like my feet were slowly elevating from the ground. I was focusing to the quietness around when all of a sudden a group of voices bewildered me. Choir of cold voices was singing a mystic hymn but when I looked around for the owners of the golden voices...I saw none. Cold sweat dripped from my foreheads and my body started to shiver. The song continued and it seeped through the deepest part of my soul. I reached the front row seat and kneeled. I closed my eyes and put myself to the presence of God. The hymn that created a fear a while ago was now tendering my heart with enigmatic comfort. It soothed my despair that just a minute before was eating my whole within. The sound was too cold that its chills made me numb and it felt like the wound inside my heart was getting healed.  The cold sensation was replaced by warmth and it covered my whole being and lifted my spirit. I started telling to Him all my woes, sharing with Him all my stories and dreams, surrendering to Him all my emotions – it was quite a linger praying. I couldn’t remember how long had I spent inside but when I finally opened my eyes I found that the church was already crowded with people and the evening mass was already about to start. I smiled and realized that we should be grateful instead hateful when hardships came on our way because such would be a great opportunity to improve our individuality and develop the strength and courage of our personality.

I stood upright and walked my way out. Everything in life could be an adventure only if we let it. I smiled when I remembered a part of Ms. Judy Alice Uy Repol’s article in Inquirer’s Youngblood section, she said there, “Life is a mystery...we don’t always find precise answers to our questions. We encounter queries for which there are simply no answers. We can be struck dumb in the face of problems and by the realization that we do not know. And there are some things we may never ever know. Perhaps in time when we least expect it, the key to the mystery will be revealed. We may just have to let go and let it be,” Once again I felt the magic of those words that had once inspired me and then I remembered that line that strongly marked on me, “What are your Life’s greatest mysteries? ... Unfold it.”