Letter of 25-ish

APRIL 21, 2013

Dear Family and Friends,

The truth is, I’m not asking to be understood – but all I ask from you is just some drip of faith to what I do, for my plans. I, myself has no guarantee of this endeavor but I know I could make of something noble someday. It may be hard to find that evidences of hard work and notable beliefs on me now but something inside me whispers that all of these will someday make a perfect sense. It seems unbelievable but believe-me-or-not I’m now on the way of starting up something of a great deed. I just didn’t know exactly what it is – maybe career, lifestyle, or beliefs – whatever it is, it seems like it’s going to create an impact, a positive one.

Call me crazy or disillusioned woman who believes she could give out some remarkable output just by frequent locking up on her room reading bible and novels, watching documentaries on YouTube all day long. Something’s being transformed within me –maybe more confusions and doubts – but slowly, eventually I’m getting to know myself even better. 

Sometimes, it seems like I’m getting close to being insane but never been there totally. Hatred and anger are eventually departing from my heart. Though I still get aggravated and irritated but the feelings just won’t linger. It’s getting clearer to me which paths I don’t want to walk and the paths that I should be abandoning now.

I’m thinking of a new path that I feel like creating – not for everyone to follow but only for them to be an inspiration in creating also their own. 

I don’t wish for someone who will understand but all I ask is someone who can at least be not judgmental.

From now on, I’d rather choose to speak less because from my mouth comes out many evil words. I always bear the tendency to hurt others with the sharpness and frankness of my tongue. So now, I’d rather be as mute when I’m at our home because arguments never fail to bring trouble in my relationship with you kin and folks. I’d rather stay inside my room and suffer the heat that floods this four cornered room than come out and fall under the sight of your judgments. 

I can’t bear to be judged by my own parents – it might even provoke another fight that would only lead me against the law of honoring my parents. I’ve never been a good daughter so now I’m suffering the punishments of my rudeness, impoliteness and disobedience. I’m doomed to live my life in chaos of soul and endless tormenting of depression. I will forever seek for that enlightenment that will be timelessly elusive in darkness… I will dwell in pity and only in Lord’s mercy shall I be redeemed.

Yours for the friendship,

The wandering 25-ish