True love can't be denied

I’m supposed to attend a job interview today. I confirmed with it yesterday when the HRD texted me of the interview invitation. Just like the past invitations I have had for the last several months I never show up even though I said I will. Something always comes up within me just night before the day of the interview. It’s not the fear of the interviewer, it’s not the fear of the job position or description, but it’s the fear of my own self and of what I’m up to encounter this time if I’ll place again myself in a regular job position.

I’ve been calling myself a freelancer for almost a year now. The last time I spent time inside an office working as an employee was August last year under a foreign managed company. My boss was a Belgian citizen married to a Fillipina for more than eight years now as far as my memory can remember. I worked there as Marketing Executive, setting appointments with the General Managers, Hotel Managers, and Food and Beverage Heads of various five-star hotels. The company is selling first-class decorative LEDs perfect for hospitality businesses. I have arranged several meetings for my boss to build up his products and even went to the meeting myself whenever my boss and his wife were out of town. I only lasted there four months. I submitted my resignation letter effective on the day of my submission. I just left it on the table outside my boss’ office then left the office in what seemed like a running-walking pace. My bosses usually arrived late in the morning so the moment they found my letter I was already on my way home. 

I’ve been to two other companies before I landed on that office operated by my former Belgian boss. On the last two, I lasted longer, spending one year and half on the first one and almost two years on the second. I know in my heart that I’m always trying to be the best employee that I can be. For my three years of working as employee, I was able to earn a pat on the back, hearing my bosses saying, “Congratulations”, “Job well done”, “Way to go”. But it also happened often that I found myself in a closed door meeting with them. Hearing words of encouragement that I could do even better, that there are still rooms for improvement if only I will strive for it. I always recognized those moments that my superiors appreciated my works but what always remarked firmly on my thoughts are those moments that they were dissatisfied and discontented with the effort that I was giving. 

Whether they know about it or not, I really can’t blame them enough for their views. Though I’m doing well on my job, one who knows me well really can’t claim that I’m giving great amount of percent to my works. I’m always half-hearted, meaning I always divide myself between the job that I need to do and the things that I always wanted to do. 

No matter how I tried, I just can’t leave the life of performing and my dream of becoming a successful writer someday. I’m engaged to Community Theater, playing character parts, often as one of the chorus or dancers. Maybe I can never be the leading star that I’ve been dreaming of when I was younger but I can never feel much more alive than when I’m there on the stage singing at the top of my lungs or losing myself in a dance. 

I’ve been trying hard to balance both works but things that way just won’t go in favor of me. Rehearsals after office works are terribly tiresome. Going home almost at midnight then having to wake up early in the dawn is definitely driving me nuts. Memorizing lines and songs while in the office half concentrated on paper works isn't just seemed right. Finally, after three years of enduring such kind of lifestyle I have set up mercilessly for myself, I felt tired and worn out. All of the sudden I just wanted to disappear and find refuge in a faraway place and restart a new but simpler life there. I can never be the best that I can if I’m always half-divided: my heart, my time, my effort, myself. And also, I finally accepted it to myself that I can really never fit in to a routinely life, with so much rules-to-follow on it. 

I’m a woman born for adventure and dynamic lifestyle. But whenever my sources of income falter and giving me much less in a month, I’m always tempted to apply again for a regular job that will give me a fixed monthly earnings. Until when I’m almost about to enter again that door of good opportunity, I look back on what I might give up and leave behind. The lifestyle I keep coming back for. It’s like being torn between a promising love that can give you much and the love that you’ve been with through thick and thin but promises you none of life’s comforts and luxuries. If I proceed to the promising love, I might be giving myself only a false belief and will just break the heart of that promising love in the future. I have seen it happened for several times now, no matter how tough the goings get, I just always find myself going back to that love who promises none but the fulfillment of the soul and heart.